Sweet Surrender and an Awesome God.

I don't know about you, but more times than not, in my life, God doesn't let me see "the big picture."  He usually saves that view for Himself. He doesn't allow me to see how everything works out in the end, instead He asks me to trust Him as He shapes and molds me one step at a time.  Sometimes it almost drives me crazy--I'm a planner.  I love to organize things, make charts and checklists, timelines and To-Do Lists.  I love the feeling of accomplishment when I cross that line through a completed item on my checklist.  I love seeing the big picture and seeing each individual step of the goal written in ink for me to tackle, one at a time.  It goes against everything I am to set aside my lists and my calendar and relinquish my grip on the master plan.  That said, oh how I love that relinquishing my plan is exactly what God asks me to do.  Those moments, after I've chosen to surrender to Him everything I am, all my plans and hopes and dreams and have walked a ways down the path of unknown, hand in hand with Him, when He reveals to me the goal for which I've been working is . . . honestly,  I don't know words that could adequately describe everything those moments hold.  It is as if I am standing at the summit of a mountain looking back on the last many months, sometimes years of my life and He allows me to see how that path has purposefully led me to the place I am standing at that very moment.  In those moments, He wraps His arms around me and gives me the deepest most heartfelt hug I could ever be given and He says to me, "Aren't you glad you trusted me.  Do you see what a beautiful thing I am going with your life."  In that moment His loves surrounds me, warming me, to the inner most of my being, with love for the One who first loved me.  

 In those moments I feel loved to the deepest core of my being.  I get to see, in a tangible way the loving acts of my Lord toward me and how He has been, piece by piece, day by day, faithfully working in and through me, toward good.  I'm not only loved, but there are few times in my life I could say I feel such purpose than those moments that God unveils that snippet of His completed portion of His plan for my life.  To know that, day in and day out, He has been faithfully working His plan in and through my life.  He has uniquely and wonderfully designed for me to be part of something amazing and beautiful!  In those moments I am also filled to overflowing with awe, by the overwhelmingly loving reminder that I am loved by the King of Kings, the Creator of all the things, the One who holds the entire universe together.  He is awesome and He wants me to be part of His plan!  I am important to Him--So important in fact that day in and day out He has been faithfully working His plan in and through my life.  Regardless of my resistance, despite my mistakes, He keeps plugging away, never quitting, never giving up, just lovingly molding and carving me for His calling.

Half a decade ago God led me through one of the most difficult times of my life.  During that time, the truth I clung to was "God is bigger."  No matter what I was facing, when phrased as a question, the only truthful answer was always, God's bigger. Q: "What if . . .?"  A: If  . . . , God is bigger and He will lead me through.  Q:Well, what if  . . . . happens?  A:  If it does, God is bigger, He'll see me through.  He's always big enough, no matter what we face.  That was a scary time in my life.  I don't know of another time in my life that I was made so aware of the fact that the battle was bigger than me.  Left to face the conflict on my own, it was sure defeat.  But with God fighting the battle, it was a sure victory.   Over 6 years later, guess what?  He's still bigger!  While God is doing a TON in and through our lives right now, I praise Him that we are resting in His peace.  But even when out of battle, the truth remains the same, He is bigger.  With peace in hand however, a different concept of "bigger" settles in my mind.  Yes, He is bigger than my battles, but He is also bigger and more amazing that my human mind can even begin to fathom.  He is so big that He has the ability to orchestrate the happenings past, present, and future of the entire world!  He is an awesome God that is so big  He does not exist, bound by limits, as we do.  It is this truth which He has demonstrated recently in our lives.

Before Jim and I married, we talked about a ton of things.  Among those things was our desire for Jim to not only act as Emmerson's dad, but for him to legally become her Dad, by adopting her.  Second was the idea of further adding to our family through adoption.  

After we'd been married a while and had already submitted paperwork and were well into the process of completing a step-parent adoption for Jim to adopt Emmerson, we began to look into adopting another child.  After doing some research we came to the surprising realization that Emmerson, if an orphan in China, would have been on the special needs adoption list. For both Jim and I , that realization cemented in our hearts God's leading to adopt a special needs child.  God had laid children from China on our hearts especially, so after even more praying and talking with other families who have adopted and several email chats with adoption agencies we made the decision to pursue adopting a daughter from China, with special needs, between the ages of NB-6yo.  And so began the process of investigating adoption agencies, and looking through hundreds of photos of the sweet children on the Waiting Children List.

It was about this same time God began a quiet stirring in my heart.  The prodding was a gentle but firm call toward a ministry, toward serving Him by serving others somehow.  My heart met His nudging and I began praying earnestly about what and where He'd planned for me to serve.  A need arose in our church for a substitute praise and worship leader on Sunday mornings of which I was asked to fill. It had been a long time since I played for church and I was excited to fill this need.  Shortly earlier God had also led me into the position of director and tutor for a homeschool co-op our family is involved with and I was still in the process of learning exactly what that role looked like and how God intended to use me in that position.  God blessed both roles, however he made it clear to my heart that neither were the ministry He was preparing me for.  This ministry was going to be different than anything I’d ever done before--Something new.  He continued to nudge and again my heart answered Him.  This time though, He met my heart with a question.  “Would you be willing to give up your most precious hopes and dreams in order to do what I ask you to do?”  I can say there have been many times in my life, my heart would have been ready to answer with a willing answer of surrender.  At that moment however, the question took me by surprise and my heart struggled to answer.  I wanted to be willing to abandon everything.  After all, the One asking the question was the One who had sacrificed His everything for me.  I wanted to say “yes”, and yet instead my heart filled with tears and fear gripped me.  My heart knew the instant the question was asked, there were two specific things to which that question was being directed.  Two things of which, I really didn’t want to give up.  The first was a question of just plain sacrifice of what I was used to, my routines, my “normal.” Would I be willing to relinquish all the things I’ve come to see as “normal” for our family.  Would I love Him still, just as much, if life as I knew it completely changed?  What if we couldn’t do the things we enjoy doing or if all the goals we’ve set as a family were never met.  Would I still love and trust Him?  The second was directed toward adoption.  Since the time I was a little girl, younger than Emmerson, God has placed a burden on my heart for orphans.  I began my first real job at the age of 15 and with it I first made the monthly commitment of sponsoring a needy child.  Growing up, I constantly shared my conviction that I believed God was leading me to adopt someday.  Now I was married to a wonderful man whom God had separately placed in his heart the openness and desire to pursue adding to our family through adoption.  Emmerson also shares our heart for orphans.  We’d felt His leading us.  It just made sense that God would fulfill the burden He’d placed in our hearts, right?  Now was the time, we'd started the process.  Or was it?  It wouldn’t make sense for Him to lead us to this place and then turn us around in the opposite direction.  God's ways, I've learned, don't always make sense to me, and at that moment, instead of showing me how He planned to satisfy the burden, He was asking me if I loved and trusted Him enough to willingly allow that burden to go unsatisfied. It was just a question, not a request, I hadn’t felt Him telling me we weren’t supposed to adopt someday, nor that He was about to flip my world upside down, but rather, this was a call to be willing to let Him have His way no matter what.  I mentioned God often uses songs to speak to my heart.  As His question penetrated my heart the words from a song I had song once while giving my testimony just before Emmerson and I headed to Oregon, flooded my mind.  I listened to the words as my heart began to silently cry out to my God.  "Oh God, I don't want to give up those things, but help me to be willing to if that is what You want."

Even while my heart was crying, I knew what my answer would be.  He’d already shown me He is and always will be bigger than my pains or my fears and that He alone will always be enough to satisfy my heart. Even so, my loving and gracious Father allowed me a time to grieve over the those things, while daily, faithfully,  He lovingly carved and molded the inner most parts of my heart, little by little, until my heart, though it still yearned for those things, was ready and truly excited to sincerely answer His question, without any hesitation or holding back, with a whole hearted,  “Yes.”   I would.  When the moment of surrender came and I let go of any grip I'd taken on those things I was filled with that overwhelming joy and peace that only He can give.  I was ready and filled with anticipation to leave those things at His feet, to fulfill them or to leave them, but to follow Him where He would lead and toward this ministry for which He was calling and preparing me.  Amen.  So be it.  Come what may.  At that moment the words from that song again flooded me as my heart sang it to my King.

"Can't Live A Day" - by Avalon

I could live life alone

And never fill the longings of my heart

The healing warmth of someone's arms

And I could live without dreams

And never know the thrill of what could be

With every star so far and out of reach

I could live without many things

And I could carry on, but...

[Chorus:]

I couldn't face my life tomorrow

Without Your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world

See all the wonders beautiful and new

They'd only make me think of You

And I could have all life offers

Riches that were far beyond compare

To grant my every wish without a care

Oh, I could do anything, oh yes

But if You weren't in it all...

I couldn't face my life tomorrow

Without your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live

You're like the air I breathe

Oh, Jesus, I have because You give

You're everything to me

I couldn't face my life tomorrow

Without your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You

I couldn't face my life tomorrow

Without your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You

Lord, there's no night and there's no morning

Without Your loving arms to hold me

You're the heartbeat of all I do

I can't live a day without You

We continued scrolling through the Waiting Children list, as even after His question, God had not lessened our burden for orphans or adoption.  Emmerson enjoyed looking over them too, so her and I had begun a new routine of pulling up the list of Waiting Children and praying over a couple of pages each day.  We’d been doing this for a while when we came across a photo of a very special girl.  Immediately upon seeing her photo, both Emmerson and I felt God telling us to stop everything and begin praying about her. This beautiful little girl, Poppy, was 11 yo, well beyond the ages Jim and I had considered when we were praying about adoption.  We'd felt it very important to adopt within birth order, but God laid a firm grip on our hearts for this girl.  I felt God burdening me to pray about whether or not we were supposed to bring her home, regardless of her age.  The burden God placed on our hearts for her was undeniable so when Jim came home I shared her photo with him and our entire family began praying for her.  After a time of praying God gave us a peace that we were not the forever family He had chosen for this special little girl, so with clarity we began praying anew for her,  this time for her forever family to bring her home.  It was only a couple of weeks later, I logged onto FB and saw a "faith friend" of mine had a new post in her blog.  "Faith friend" is my term for the people God brings into my life, that I just bond with because of a shared love for our Savior.  Truth is we'd never actually met in person, but had been introduced through a mutual friend on FB and for the last couple years just read each others posts and bonded through mutual faith in an awesome God.  I clicked on the link and began reading her latest entry.  By the time I made it it halfway through, tears were pouring down my face so quickly I could barely see.  I ran to get Emmerson to share with her what I had just read.  In her blog, my friend had shared God's stirring in their family to adopt again.  This time, an 11yo girl from China.  When we were praying for Poppy's forever family, we had been praying for our friends!  Oh the joy that filled my heart--They were Poppy's family!  I wouldn't have been surprised if the entire state of Oregon on up into WA, where they live, didn't feel the wave of joy  and excitement that flooded over our family!  What an awesome God we serve!  And then, as if that weren't enough, God orchestrated for their family to end up visiting our neck of the woods, allowing us the opportunity us to meet their family in person.  The kids played together and we shared snippets about our families and the work God was doing in each.  I had the chance to listen to their story of how God led them to Poppy, even though she is older than the children in their family too.  It was a wonderful time of fellowship--I love how strong the bond of Christ is. We were meeting this family for the very first time, and yet it was like we'd been friends forever.  Emmerson and Tirzah, their oldest (at least until Poppy comes home) are now pen-pals.  

His plan and His timing for our friends to find Poppy and for us to meet them were perfectly orchestrated according to His perfect plan and although we didn't know at the time, God would very soon be using that visit to to ease our hearts to trust Him to a similar calling of our own. 

Shortly after my answer of surrender, but before our visit with the Walkers, God began a whirlwind of change in our lives.  Jim and I had been fervently praying over his job.  We were both convicted about the hours it took him away from his family.  It was a good paying job, and we knew it was hard finding work in a small town, but we didn’t have a peace about his staying there.  Our family went on vacation and during that time we felt even deeper the conviction over the hours he was spending away, so while on vacation we made the decision for Jim to begin putting in job applications for another job as soon as we got back home.  God confirmed our decision and in a matter of weeks Jim had been offered a position at the US Post office.  Now he would have a steady job, with good pay and great benefits, that allowed him to be off every Sunday and he'd be away at work only while we were doing school.  It couldn’t have been a clearer answer to all the things we’d been praying about. The only catch was that the new job required another move--we were actually moving to the town we’d just vacationed.  I love how God does little things like that. He is a great big God that cares about even the tiniest of details.

With all the upcoming changes we knew were about to happen in our lives, adoption was kinda put on the back burner.  We continued to scroll through the Waiting Children list, but considering we'd been doing this for almost 2 years by that point, and with the pending move, neither of us really thought now would be God's timing, but we'd gotten used to praying for the kids each day, so we continued to scroll and pray until God led us to the photo of an older girl.  As soon as we got to her photo Jim told me to stop.  "That's the one.  We need to send an email tonight requesting her file."  For anyone who knows my husband, that is completely out of character!  He is usually the quiet, doesn't say much type.  But I was feeling the same thing.  So we stopped and prayed then read the little bit of information provided about her online and watched her video.  Her online name was Patrice.  She was 11yo, 9.5 months older than Emmerson.  When she was 9 months old, eight days after Emmerson was born, she was abandoned by her parents after being diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  My mind was instantly drawn back to our visit with the Walkers.  They, like us, had been convicted to adopt in birth order, but God had led them otherwise.  I realized God had used Poppy and their family to open mine and Jim's hearts to the little girl He had picked out for us.  She didn't fit into the age group we were expecting, but God does wonderfully awesome and beautiful things when we let Him work outside-the-box.

That night we sent an email to the agency with her file.  A few days later we had sent in the necessary paperwork and her file was sent to us.  Jim and I read it together, prayed, spoke with a physician about her medical needs and prayed some more.  When all was said and done we could clearly see that although we were expecting a younger child, God had been faithfully preparing us for this moment--the moment He would reveal our daughter to us.  

Jim and I had decided, before we ever began pursuing adoption that we wanted to choose names with meanings for any children God would bless to our family.  Furthermore, we decided it would be fun to give them all names that began with "E" and if we ended up adopting internationally we felt we wanted to give them a middle name that reflected their birth county.  We have decided to give Patrice the name Ella-Mae as her first name, which means diligent light.  It is our desire to share the love of Christ with her and our prayer that one day soon she will truly be, a diligent light, shining bright for the one, true Light.

Introducing Ella-Mae:

Celebrating her 11th birthday.

This is actually the link to the page we first found her.  http://www.nohandsbutours.com/2014/04/06/find-my-family-patrice/

Here is a video of her.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPDNgN2OEI8&feature=youtu.be

The next few weeks filled with paperwork and passport photos and waiting to hear back about our pre-approval from China.  We received our pre-approval from China Tuesday.  Despite the busyness of the paperwork,  there is a smile deep inside my heart.  I keep thinking about that recent moment of surrender and God's question to me.    Would I be happy if the ministry He’d called me to do changed my life? I’m so glad I said yes!  I didn’t know then, but in recent weeks, God has made it clear that the ministry God was calling me to and the things He’d asked me to entrust to Him were one in the same. My new ministry is our daughter.  There are many more mountains to climb, but today, He has brought me to stand on a summit looking back on the last many months and years God has been faithfully leading to bring me to this point and I see how each step of the way has been purposefully designed to lead me to the place.  Oh how beautiful is His plan!   His plan is SO much better than anything I could come up with!

So, we will keep trusting and choosing to follow one step at a time, even though we don’t know exactly where this journey is going to take us. We know God is good and He is our God and He is leading us and that is enough.  As long as we are following Him, we know beyond shadow of doubt we are exactly where we want to be.

I think the lyrics from the 2nd verse of Steven Curtis Chapman's Song, Glorious Unfolding wraps it up perfectly:

God's plan from the start
For this world and your heart, has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of His unfailing love
And the story has only begun.

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We've just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch the glorious unfolding